Back in 2018, I wrote a blog about getting too emotionally invested in things and letting it eat away at us. This blog is about something similar, but also follows on from my previous blog about toxic positivity.
Generally speaking, we love to be there for our friends, though thick and thin – good and bad. We are their cheer squad for their goals and dreams, that little voice that is reminding them to keep going and the shoulder to cry on when things seem to be falling apart.

Sometimes, we take all these roles on a little too much. That’s when our emotional investment, desire to see our loved one succeed, expectation management and on-tap counsellor roles can go awry. I have already addressed the first three in my 2018 blog; so, I am going to address the last role in this blog.

It’s hard to see someone you love hurt; and it’s frightening to hear them speak about their negative emotions and experiences, when you can see so many opportunities for them. It’s equally hard not to feel their pain and get angry or upset at the circumstances they find themselves in, with them.
How do you extricate your feelings of disappointment and frustration from theirs? Simple! You just don’t partake in it! But it isn’t that simple, is it?
The trick is to not confuse their need to offload, with your own emotions and expectations. There’s so much left unsaid in the famous quote that “a problem shared is a problem halved”, because there’s an implication that half of the problem is now yours. It really isn’t. The problem is still 100% that of the person who bears it, however, by letting them speak openly and honestly while being listened to without interruption or judgement; you are letting them acknowledge and release some of the burden - enabling them to refresh their view or approach to it.

So, how does one not end up taking their friend’s issue on board? By understanding that this is their problem, it is very real to them, and it has nothing to do with you. One of the greatest pieces of advice I was given for such situations is to reaffirm to yourself “thank you for sharing, this is not mine to carry.” And it is 100% true.

You have been blessed with the honour of being a trusted enough person for your friend to speak to, and you have absolutely no obligation take any of it on board. That’s not what your friend is asking of you; and you certainly do not need to ask it of yourself. I used to think that I had to take on the struggles of my friends when they shared them with me, because I thought that was part of supporting them. What ended up happening was that I was getting angrier about my friends struggles, then couldn’t understand why they were now happy, and I wasn’t. Once I had that magic affirmation uttered to me, I realised… You do not need to climb into the hole with them and make it yours too; you just need to hear them and support them through owning and acknowledging their struggle.

By acknowledging to yourself that this isn’t your burden to take on, doesn’t mean that you aren’t supporting your loved one; it is a reminder not to get too involved in an issue that is not yours to carry or resolve, not to mention it is you lovingly setting boundaries for your own wellbeing. Resolution is up to the person expressing themselves, you are the sounding board and support.
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I will cover this more in my next blog, How to Truly Support Someone Through Their Struggle.

“I support other people in becoming prosperous, and in turn, life supports me in wondrous ways!” – Louise L. Hay

In today’s atmosphere of “just be positive”, this may come off as a somewhat unpopular opinion, however, it is a very real issue.

Toxic positivity is forcing people to push down their issues, because they feel isolated and unable to speak to their loved ones about the things that trouble them; as if having a negative experience is some kind of infectious disease that not only the sufferer doesn’t want, but others don’t want to be around in case they catch the negativity ‘germs’ as well.

This is the singular, most unhealthy thing one can feel or have done to them.
NEGATIVE EMOTIONS, SITUATIONS AND THOUGHTS ARE PERFECTLY HEALTHY AND NORMAL TO EXPERIENCE. What isn’t healthy, is avoiding; or not being able to express your negative emotions, situations or thoughts, because you need to 'just be positive' or 'let it go'. Alternatively, it’s just as unhealthy to unpack and live in the negative experience or extend it past its life cycle. Hanging on to negativity can reach into other parts of our lives as we push the issues down and avoid resolving or addressing it.

In order to move forward, we need to acknowledge and share what’s bothering us; be it to a confidante, mental health professional or the source of the issue. By doing this we can address, release and heal, thus return to our positive life.

For so long now – too long, in my opinion – we have been taught that we just need to be grateful and positive in all aspects of our lives in order to be happy. That negativity of any kind is not acceptable and should be avoided at all costs.

This thinking then leads us to become uncomfortable around any perceived form of negativity and avoid it. It also leads to disingenuous comments like “others have it worse”, or “you just need to think positive!”, or my personal favourite “just let it go!”. If only it was that easy, hey? Obviously, the situation has affected them so much, they just want to get it off their chest, address what is bothering them and move forward. Saying such unhelpful and obstructive things to people who just want to be heard, harms their ability to do so, creating further struggle and hurt for them.

When I am feeling low; I like to talk about it. I find that once I let the issue ‘hit the air’, it reduces its power over me, I feel empowered and supported – particularly when I am discussing it with someone who is ready to hear what I am saying and appreciates that my issue is very real to me; and that it will not ‘infect’ them with its negativity.

People’s problems are very real to them, so when someone opens up to you; what you need to bear in mind is THIS IS NOT YOURS TO OWN. We are not always equipped in life to appreciate that one little factor and people tend to take on the issues of others, rather than acknowledge and understand the fact that your role is simply to support; not take on the issue personally. Growing up, I didn’t have this skill, however; I was very blessed to have a wonderful woman who is also now a dear friend teach me how not to take things on when people confide in me. I will address this in my next blog – Thank You for Sharing.

"I forgive myself for not being perfect. I am living the very best way I know how." - Louise L. Hay.

In previous blogs I have written about circles of control and when we need to accept that 'it is what it is'. In this blog I'll try to cover when good intent turns bad. When it turns into stress and frustration for you, and the subject of your good intentions.

Emotional investment has a strong relationship with expectation and expectation management. none of which are always in our control!

I have seen friendships end, terrible arguments happen and memes created... All over good intentions turning into unhealthy emotional investment.

How does emotional investment start so well and end so badly? It usually starts with helping someone, or being asked for advice. Then it turns into control/expectations. It is so subtle though, that neither party realise what is happening until it is too late and feelings start getting hurt. Expectation vs expectation management and advice vs individual choice / free will.

How do we avoid this happening?

In short; give advice or experiences if asked for them, and wish the querent well on their journey. Give as much or as little as you want, but do it with the caveat of "no strings attached". You're offering your experiences, giving them some food for thought; that they can take or leave as they wish.

This is their journey, not yours. It is wonderful to see people succeed and even nicer when it is your advice that helped get them there; however, there is a line and you cross it at your peril.

It's a little different if there is money changing hands; ultimately though, the principal is the same. You have a job to do; you do it, you get paid your money; and the outcome is on that person.

Have you lost clients? Has it been during or as a result of an emotional exchange? Why did the situation with that client become so emotionally charged? Have you reflected on the situation? If you take too much of your work on emotionally, you may find yourself in a bit of a pickle!

We all want to put that little bit extra into our work to make it uniquely ours. When it involves outcomes driven by others, however; that is when you need to step back and let them steer their own ship. Ultimately, you are paid to do a job, which is what you must do first. Your personal touch comes in the form of your service and approach; not how emotionally invested you are in your clientele.

For business people, emotional investment can be draining. You need to find that happy medium. If not for your business success, for your own peace and prosperity, because the two are linked - you lose your "prosperity thinking" and your business prosperity will take a dive as well.

Unfortunately in the day and age of social media, an unfair review can be damaging. What can be more damaging though, is not being able to delineate between what is work and what is emotional investment. There is nothing wrong with responding to that unfair review, though I would suggest walking away from it and coming back with a fresh, unemotional approach. The best path is to deal in facts.

At the end of the day, whether our emotional investment is in helping a loved one, or client/outcome; one common theme remains... We do not always have 100% visibility of the whole picture. We don't know what is motivating someone to ask for our perspective or paying for assistance; so we can only work with what we know, give our experience, provide the best personal or professional guidance possible, and leave it at that.

Whether we agree with their end choice or not, isn't always something that we have a right to convey. We can advise against that decision and provide our reasons, but the end state is driven by the other party.

I have said this before; it is their journey and their choice. They are making the best possible choices for themselves and their situation. The second they start to feel anxious about how others are going to respond to a decision that directly affects their own lives rather than those they are worrying about, is the second that things have become unhealthy.

We will have "that friend" who is the domineering type; who thinks that because you have asked for their advice, they have a right to control the things you want help with. They're a separate entity altogether and go into the realms of the toxic relationship.

At the end of the day; we are always going to want to help loved ones and see them succeed. We are going to disagree with some of the decisions that those we help (or are paid to help), make.

Just remember that advice is simply a sharing of experience and the person enquiring has the right to take, leave, or just use parts of, as they see fit.

When it appears that our loved one hasn't taken our advice, we sometimes get upset. We become annoyed and even feel used. It's at this moment that we need to remind ourselves, that our happiness isn't tied to the outcome of this person. In fact, we do not have to live with the consequences of their decisions at all, in most cases; so we really do need to take that step back.

Like love, strive to give advice freely and without condition, while also maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself.

So there you are, running around in circles with a mental list of a thousand things that need doing, but not getting a whole lot of anything done. There are things that need other things to resolve before you can move on, decisions that have to be made and are now out of your hands, but you need to get it all sorted right now or else, right? 

Or else, what?

What are you hoping to achieve by running around in circles, trying to pre-empt every move, decision or actions of others? You wind up so stressed that you become snappy. Friends are avoiding you because you are becoming unpleasant to be around… You become insecure and clingy as your friends leave you… And all of a sudden, there you are, by yourself, and probably on the verge of a heart attack you are so wound up. Your problems are getting bigger and more dramatic by the day, and you feel like your head is going to explode.

Are they really that big?

If you have read my previous blog on Managing the Overwhelming, this is what you need to do…

1. Stop. Breathe.
2. Call your closest, most trusted friend (who will be your objective observer) and catch up for a coffee.
3. Tell them what is going on and ask for their honest feedback.
4. Write down all those issues and put them into their three categories of:
1. Things you have full control over,
2. Things you have partial control over, and
3. Things you have no control over.

Okay, so you have done that… What next?

Below is an example of something you can do – what is most important, is what you say and then what happens next.

Imagine yourself putting all those situations you can’t control, as well as the partial control issues, into a big box. Imagine yourself handing the box to an Angel. Then you say:

 “I surrender these things to you with love. Please return to me, those that need my attention,  healed.”

The Universe, Angels, God, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, whoever you surrender these things to is going to go through all the issues, discard the ones that don’t serve you and return the things that do serve you, healed or with an outcome.

You can use your imagination here. You don’t have to hand a box to an angel, you can hand a rope to Buddha if that is the image that serves you best. The main point to remember that on that rope/in that box/attached to whatever you want to use as your vessel, you have placed the things you need to surrender and want healed. As I said before, whatever image serves you best in handing them over to the higher being for sorting and healing.

Something that helps me connect (for want of a better word) when I surrender my issues, is to either go and stand barefoot at the beach, letting the water lap at my feet (or go anywhere that has earth and water together for that matter – mud is great too!) or while I am having a shower, so at the same time I can affirm that I am washing away negativity while surrendering. Water is the seat of emotion and earth is grounding, that's why I try to get as close to both as possible when surrendering.

The big key to surrender is this: Once you have surrendered your issues, you are to leave them alone so that The Universe, et al, can heal them. If you keep forcing doors (as with my previous blog) it will only backfire; because you have not truly surrendered them, have you? Only once you have fully surrendered the situation, can it be healed. You will feel lighter and less burdened. I guarantee it.

Let me tell you my own little story…

About 7 years ago, someone I cared about very much at the time, passed out of my life. I was devastated and felt very lost, despite knowing the inevitability of the situation. I was based in Townsville at the time and one of my close friends lived a little further north in Cairns. I used to visit her regularly, and when I would get there on the Friday night, we would go to the night markets, get a massage, then the next day get the most divine French toast for brunch and just relax. Then on Sundays I would go with her to Church (I am not of any religious persuasion, but I don’t mind going now and again) – it was our routine and I loved every minute of it. So I decided to go up for a weekend to clear my head. Sunday rolled around and I was dreading church a bit, because of the fact I didn’t want to fall apart in front of strangers.

Having been a Tarot reader for a few years by that stage, I already knew about surrendering and letting the Angels and Universe do their work, but as usual, life gets in the way and we lose touch of even the simplest of actions… You could have knocked me over with a feather when the first thing out of the Pastor’s mouth after welcoming us was, “Today, we are going to talk about surrender.” Talk about serendipity! So after Church, my friend and I went and got a coffee, then she left me alone to do what I had to do. I let it all go to the Universe. It was almost instantaneous, the feeling of lightness and hope that came. When we met back up, even my friend commented on how much I had changed in the way I was carrying myself. Just from that few minutes alone!

Obviously I still had to grieve, but the grieving process became a lot easier to bear because I was remembering the positives and knowing I still had good memories rather than focussing on the loss and the pain that comes with it, or trying to bring this person back into my life. In any case, I had to let the situation go.

So if you are surrendering a painful situation, it is best to know that you are still going to hurt a little. The grieving process still happens, surrendering makes the load a little easier to carry and the future clearer.

“What is given to you is what is needed; what you want, requires giving up what you don't need.” ― George Alexiou



1
"There are things that you will see here that you will not agree with. I ask you not to judge, because this is one school of thought out of many, and we are here by their grace." Wise and poignant words spoken by someone I well regard. I took that on board, understanding completely what this person was saying. I went on, did what I had to do without judgement, but also with an awareness that while we may not agree with what we see, sometimes this is all people know. It isn't necessarily what WE would do or how WE would do something, but it isn't necessarily wrong either... No laws were being broken, it was simply a different school of thought we were being exposed to.

It is what it is.

My silence was questioned and my answer was simply that this was one way of doing things and my place was not to judge. On top of that, we were asked not to. Did I agree with it? Of course not. But I did respect the request, and was not going to cut off my nose to spite my face - or impair the opportunities of others in the future. My silence was certainly not that of complicity or ignorance. I simply didn't judge. I understood the angst of those around me though, and how they railed against their ideals being challenged (we are allowed to do that, too).
 
Not judging something/someone/a situation that doesn't sit well with our own ideals is hard. We tend to want to bag and tag everything so it fits into our lives without issue and in complete harmony with all the things we have learned throughout life. That works for you as an individual. But what happens when your ideals clash with someone whose ideals and learnings are completely at odds with our own?

The first thing I tend to think about is how it affects me. My life. Me personally. Is anyone or anything being harmed by the definition of the law? Is anyone or anything being harmed by moral definition? How many different schools of thought are out there for the situation I found myself in? What of the bigger picture?? They know what they know and believe (as do I), and they do the best they can with it (as do I). How would I feel were I at the receiving end of their judgement, just because I don't fit into their little box of ideals? If nothing/no one is being hurt by these ideals, then who am I to judge? I have simply been shown a door to another lesson about acceptance and compassion. Observe, learn, appreciate, respect.

"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding." - Mahatma Ghandi

 2
"This happens on a day to day basis. You just learn to deal with it." Words spoken by a professional about a purchase in what was proving to be misleading advertising/false pretenses.

It is what it is.

But does it have to be? The powerlessness that comes with those words is incredible. This professional just confirmed that what was advertised was false and misleading, however, minimised the situation by basically saying it happens all the time and there is nothing that can be done. This is where I ask myself, "Can I change this, or am I going to just sit back and let it consume me?" Sometimes it is just easier to walk away, but walking away means letting it go. Releasing to the Universe, forgiving the wrongdoing and moving on. But if it was legally wrong and I am able to make the difference; stand up and be counted - would I?

I think this one is largely subjective, but my point is: can you let it go? If the answer is yes, then learn the lesson, forgive and move on. If not, then be the change. Set the benchmark of expectation that you want to live by. Who knows, you may even set a benchmark that others want to follow!

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Ghandi